By nature, a Scorpio is the kindest and most generous person you'll ever meet. Always ready to lend a helping hand, offer financial assistance, or dispense advice, a Scorpio may even sacrifice their own life to save yours. Scorpios love everyone, feel sorry for everyone, cannot bear being alone, and desperately crave warmth and affection.
More than anything, a Scorpio wants to crawl into your nice, soft bed, curl up into a little ball, forget all the troubles of the world, and drift off into a blissful sleep.
For some inexplicable reason, however, you're not particularly enthusiastic about this sleeping arrangement. Something about the creature makes you uneasy. You feel an instinctive dislike and distrust, entirely without justification, of course.
And then, one decidedly less-than-beautiful day, no matter how hard you've tried to conceal your involuntary aversion, the Scorpio senses something.
At that very instant, the irresistible force of decomposing amino acids causes its tail to rise menacingly into the air, and voilà! A terrifying stinger is pointed straight at you, with a tiny drop of deadly venom glistening at its tip.
Do not engage in combat. Run.
If running isn't an option, surrender unconditionally. Beg for forgiveness, get down on your knees, or do whatever else it takes to stop that ominously swaying tail.
Strangely enough, it will work.
But if you decide to fight back, be warned: there will be no winners.
Instead, you'll find yourself trapped in a war of attrition that will consume your entire life if the Scorpio happens to be a relative, or a considerable portion of your time, energy, and sanity if the tail belongs to someone outside the family.
Not only does warfare come naturally to a Scorpio, but there's something even worse: a Scorpio is perfectly capable of fighting several wars on multiple fronts simultaneously.
It never gets tired of it. It doesn't care who wins, and it doesn't care what it costs.
Because only warfare can relieve the hatred burning inside the Scorpio, a hatred that causes almost unbearable pain.
This is how Scorpios take revenge on those who have rejected their love.
The most famous misunderstood Scorpio in history was Marie Antoinette.
You probably think that when she was told the people had no bread and supposedly suggested they eat cake instead, she was making a particularly cruel and tactless joke.
Nothing could be further from the truth!
She genuinely wanted to share her cakes with the people, out of the goodness of her tender, generous heart.
After all, she didn't have any bread herself. All she had were cakes and croissants.
Neither her contemporaries nor posterity appreciated this magnificent gesture of generosity.
And think how deeply Queen Cleopatra suffered for her people!
What a spectacular revolution Leon Trotsky unleashed!
How fiercely that frail little man Voltaire brandished his poisonous pen!
And how fearlessly poor, honest Martin Luther stood up against the mighty Vatican!
Well, at least those Scorpios had something resembling a legitimate cause.
Things get much worse when a Scorpio strikes first and asks questions later, which happens quite often because Scorpios simply cannot get over a perceived slight.
Unfortunately, none of these wonderful but rabid creatures seems to have learned anything from the mistakes of the famous explorer Captain James Cook, who resorted to gunfire simply because the Hawaiian natives he adored failed to appreciate his generous gifts and selfless friendship quite as enthusiastically as he had hoped.
The life of a typical Scorpio is a combination of a roller-coaster ride and Russian roulette.
An almost criminal abundance of energy and a complete absence of self-preservation instincts alternate with bouts of sheer panic.
Give a Scorpio a choice, and you'll bring them to a standstill. Naturally, whatever decision they eventually make will be the wrong one.
And yet, they are extraordinarily talented, sometimes downright brilliant. Occasionally, they're genuine geniuses whose gifts defy all rational explanation.
Do you think the violinist Niccolò Paganini was called the Devil for nothing?
Where on earth does Bill Gates get all those evil ideas?
And what kind of black magic does the Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich use to make money flock to him?
But the most astonishing thing about Scorpios is their attitude toward sex.
Oh, how effortlessly, how elegantly, a Scorpio cheats!
The thing is, a Scorpio doesn't experience infidelity as infidelity. They simply cannot understand what they're doing wrong.
In their own perception, they aren't cheating at all. It looks like a duck, it quacks like a duck, but somehow, it isn't a duck.
Thinking of throwing a jealous tantrum over your Scorpio's latest affair?
Go right ahead. I'll get the popcorn.
And their lies!
Oh, how beautifully a Scorpio lies!
Sincerely, passionately, with absolute conviction, believing every single word that comes out of its mouth.
Unfortunately, after a while, they forget exactly what they said and invent an entirely new version of events.
Their imagination knows no bounds, and their capacity for alternative realities is practically infinite.
So, what should you do if fate has saddled you with a Scorpio?
First of all, congratulations! Your life will never be boring!
But you'll need to learn a few survival strategies.
First, as already explained, never pick a fight with a Scorpio. Never. Under any circumstances.
Just grin and bear it. Eventually, the Scorpio will calm down.
Second, if you're married to one, forget about jealous scenes.
Learn to think like a Scorpio. Accept this simple truth in advance: your partner is cheating on you, but remains completely faithful.
Yes, you heard that correctly.
Otherwise, prepare yourself for the divorce from hell.
If you're a young couple planning to have a baby, avoid conceiving in March.
And if, by some unfortunate coincidence, your turn at the fertility clinic comes up in March, postpone the procedure. Make up any excuse you like.
Seriously, why would you voluntarily sign up for a lifetime of living on the edge of a volcano?
Still, it's your life and your decision.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
If you've already brought a little Scorpio into the world, do everything in your power to develop that child's intellect to the highest possible level.
Don't be a careless parent. From now on, you'll have to devote your life to one of the most difficult, but also most beautiful, tasks imaginable: raising an extraordinary human being.
Teach your child to think, reason, and analyze.
Fortunately, this shouldn't be too difficult, since Scorpios are naturally intelligent and quick on the uptake.
Give your Scorpio a grand ambition, an all-consuming mission that demands complete dedication.
Be like Leonardo DiCaprio's mother, who took her son to auditions from an early age.
But don't abandon your child halfway through the journey. Help them get as close to their goal as humanly possible.
Otherwise, the inevitable early disappointments may turn into bitterness, and then nothing will stop your Scorpio from taking terrible revenge on the entire world.
Remember, too, that Scorpios are surprisingly susceptible to influence. You simply have to find the right button to push.
The important thing is to ensure that no outside influence, apart from your own, derails their positive, creative development.
If you happen to have several Scorpio children, as some exceptionally lucky couples do, exercise infinite patience.
Remember, your little Scorpios have something very important to fight over:
You. And your love.
If your Scorpio children begin to suspect that you love one of them more than the others, well, I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.
As a general rule, Scorpios don't particularly trust one another and prefer to keep a safe distance.
Occasionally, however, once they've established that neither poses an immediate threat, they may become friends or even fall in love.
But that's the exception rather than the rule.
Here's another piece of advice: your Scorpio must remain professionally occupied throughout their entire life.
An unemployed Scorpio is a terrifying prospect.
God only knows what might pop into that dangerously brilliant mind when there's nothing useful to do.
The profession should be, as you've probably gathered by now, either creative, criminal, or political. Or a combination of all three. There are some perfect examples out there, but we won't name names. Besides, Google is your friend.
And whatever you do, don't hire a Scorpio for an ordinary office job. A Scorpio condemned to a lifetime as a faceless office drone is simply inconceivable.
In fact, a Scorpio's entire life depends on the kind of partner who eventually decides to share it.
With a calm, restrained partner, a Scorpio may very well, as horoscopes like to put it, "live to a ripe old age."
But will the partner live that long? That, as Shakespeare might have said, is the question.
Whatever the circumstances, remember this:
Living with a Scorpio is like settling comfortably onto an inflatable raft in the middle of the ocean.
The storm can hit at any moment.
Male Scorpios are more reckless than female ones.
As a rule, they mistake their own menacing tail for a third testicle, which they carry around with undisguised pride.
Consequently, their criminal energy and their capacity for doing spectacularly stupid things increase by exactly one-third.
Women, on the other hand, are capable of self-criticism and can sometimes stop their own tails from swinging through sheer intellectual effort.
Besides, unlike men, women generally believe in horoscopes and occasionally even listen to astrologers' advice.
Unfortunately, they usually come to their senses only after delivering the first sting.
And one more thing: if a Scorpio acquaintance falls into depression and comes to you seeking advice on how to live, remember this.
Never, ever tell a Scorpio to "just be yourself" or "find yourself."
In this particular case, you couldn't possibly give more idiotic advice. The best thing a Scorpio could do is precisely the opposite: stop being themselves and try to become an entirely different person.
You think I'm exaggerating?
You say you know a Scorpio, perhaps a friend or relative, who is quiet, sweet, modest, and kind?
Well, here's what I have to say to that:
You're sitting bare-assed on a frying pan, and somebody has already lit the fire underneath.
Things are about to get very hot and very painful.
So what on earth should you do?
Go back to the beginning of this article and read it again. And again. And again.
Keep reading until you've committed every single word of my advice to memory.
Otherwise, when disaster strikes, you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Happy Birthday, dear Scorpios! Happy Birthday to all of us!