Sometimes you watch a favorite movie and feel pure joy. Your soul awakens and takes off like a jet ski, skimming across the glittering surface of the sea, gathering speed, while the spray becomes a rainbow and white blossoms of foam rise toward the heavens. And your soul has no wish to remember that real life is nothing like the movies, and that a complete disaster may be waiting just around the bend.
So there I am one day, sitting in a coffee shop, waiting for my order and feeling bored, when suddenly I notice a Keanu Reeves coloring book lying on a little children's table beside some crayons. And someone among the café's young visitors, presumably waiting for Mom to finish her drink and conversation, has already done quite a bit of work on it, as you will see in the photographs that follow.
Keanu is a great star and a wonderful human being, whom I have personally interviewed five times. Naturally, I became interested and started turning the pages.
So the book is called Color Me in Love: Keanu Reeves.
A rather unusual title, don't you think? After all, 'fall in love' sounds like an invitation to adults, while 'color' is an instruction for toddlers.
On the cover, Keanu appears with a dog and a motorcycle. The image immediately brings John Wick to mind, so my next thought was, 'Oh, great! A children's coloring-book comic based on the movie. The kids will love it!'
Because, hand on heart, John Wick is a film more for children than for adults.
We turn the page and discover that this is not a John Wick comic at all, but something like an illustrated biography of Keanu. Well, I'm not sure that children aged two to five (who else uses coloring books?!) are in desperate need of biographies of Hollywood actors. If it were Mickey Mouse, I would understand. But a grown-up actor? Why would they need that? On the other hand, why not?
Let's keep turning the pages.
Here is Keanu playing guitar before an audience. Wonderful! After all, the actor has played rock music his entire life, and it would be marvelous if some children followed his example.
And here he is reading a book. That's wonderful, too—what an excellent role model for children!
In the next picture, Keanu is riding a motorcycle. Excellent! We all know motorcycles are more than a hobby for Keanu. The actor has his own motorcycle workshop and an adjoining store, where lovers of risky speeds can not only buy a motorcycle bearing his brand but also order a custom design. A little early for the kids, of course, but perfectly acceptable for the future. After all, what boy doesn't love going fast?
Here is a drawing of Keanu working at a typewriter, writing something. Perhaps just a letter. Or perhaps another of his haiku poems. Either way, a positive example for children.
Next we see Keanu on a surfboard.
Keanu in a karate pose.
Keanu feeding squirrels in a park.
Keanu playing hockey.
Keanu ironing clothes.
Keanu bringing someone a bouquet of flowers.
Everything is lovely.
But the next picture, showing Keanu in a restaurant with a glass of wine, made me stop and think...
Of course there is nothing wrong with drinking wine—as long as you do it in an appropriate place and are at least 21 years old (as American law dictates, anyway). But isn't it a bit early for toddlers to be coloring bottles of alcohol?
And here is another picture with wine:
Isn't that a strange idea for a children's coloring book? What do Parisian restaurants, wine, and baguettes for breakfast have to do with children? Except, perhaps, that babies sometimes come into the world after evenings in places like Le Bistro. While my brain was working overtime to explain what I assumed was the publisher's oversight, I noticed that there was also a short caption on the back of every illustrated page. Oddly enough, it was printed in tiny letters—although, as everyone knows, very few children of that age can read.
To answer this question, let's read these captions together. I won't interfere with your enjoyment of your own reactions—they are going to be vivid, I promise.
'Follow me, reader! Who told you there is no true, faithful, eternal love in the world? May the liar's vile tongue be cut out! Follow me, my reader, and only me, and I shall show you such love!' So said our great—you know who. But who needs him nowadays, with his manuscripts that don't burn? Here it is, the great literature of our time, and the story of a 'great' love, right before us.
So the caption for the picture with the baguette and wine in Paris reads:
'I love you, Keanu. Stroll through the streets of Paris with a baguette and a bottle of wine in your hands, and with love for Keanu in your heart.'
The caption for the picture of Keanu in the restaurant reads:
'Feel the delicate pleasure of a romantic dinner with Keanu. He looks into your eyes and into your soul, and he will be so delightful that you will forget the rules of etiquette.'
And the picture of Keanu playing electric guitar turned out not to be about rock music at all. Its caption reads:
'Let Keanu's sure, strong hands strum the strings of your heart in this special performance. A bass guitarist whose piercing gaze penetrates straight into you, Keanu rules the crowd.'
The inscription beside the picture of Keanu with a book advises its young reader:
'Snuggle up with Keanu by a warm fireplace as he reads you tales of sweet love. Listen closely to his honeyed voice. Warm yourself by the crackling logs and let your love burn like the fire.'
And here, it turns out, is what Keanu on a surfboard is warning us about:
'Your heart will break when Keanu surfs through your wildest dreams. Just as ocean waves wash over him, waves of love wash over you.'
Keanu on the motorcycle, it seems, invites the reader:
'Hop onto the back of his motorcycle and let the wind blow through your hair, just as Keanu blows your mind. Hold tight during this romantic ride along the cherished paths of your desires.'
But the picture that shocked me most was the one in which Keanu is shaving:
And the caption: 'Get ready for hot pleasure when you catch Keanu working up a lather for a nice, clean shave. He will shower you with his passion like a hot shower.'
On the next page, we learn whom Keanu is carrying that bouquet of flowers for: you, dear young reader:
'Your feelings for Keanu cannot be put into words. Every day Keanu brings you flowers, and love blossoms in the matrix of your heart.'
Finished reading? Did you notice the children's scribbles—hearts and flowers? Do you think those children read the text themselves, or did their New York mothers help them?
I managed to get in touch with Keanu Reeves's management, and a nice young woman told me they knew nothing about the book and that it most certainly was not official merchandise. As for who writes what about him, that was none of their concern.
I'm afraid they're wrong about that. For one thing, I won't be able to watch John Wick anymore. Will you?